Non-Attachment as I See It

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes; for those who love with heart and soul there is no separation - Rumi

As I get ready to move for the fourth time in the past year and a half, the thought of attachment, non-attachment and what the heck it all means is not far from my mind. But before I give you my ode to hippie freedom, first, an ode to my doggie. It will make sense at the end (or not :)

I have been an animal lover from a very young age. I asked my parents for a dog from the time I could utter the word. Because we lived in an apartment, a dog was out of the question. I had a hamster - Homa (this was a common hamster name in Ukraine, ok?) and a snail - his name was Slimey.

When I was 14, we moved to a house. I found a kitten abandoned by its mother in the garage and somehow, even to my own surprise since no one in my family was particularly fond of cats, convinced my parents to keep it. That was my first cat, Vasya - also a Russian name. She definitely opened up our eyes and our hearts, and had a very interesting affinity for the bathroom rugs.

my one and only, Alisa

Then, that fateful day finally arrived – I remember it as one of the happiest of my life. One day, I walked into the living room and there was my mom sitting on the couch, and in her lap, a blue-eyed wolf-looking animal staring back at me. I remember being in shock, then tears running down my face, and then hugs and screams and yelps - all mine. That’s when my husky, Alisa, entered my life. Now, she is in her 15th year, and I cannot imagine my life without those expressive, knowing, dark-rimmed eyes, the incessant howling or her pawing on my arm when she wants to go out. I have learned so much about love from her – real unconditional, no holds barred love.

I have had a difficult time coming to terms with Alisa's imminent death. She turns 15 (105 in human years) on Dec. 10 and, like everyone else, human and not, she is going to die.

Yoga philosophy stresses non-attachment as one of the tools to reach enlightenment. At first glance, non-attachment to me means not caring, not being emotionally attached. It sounds so cruel, so, well, inhumane. It's easier for me to think of non-attachment in terms of things, like shoes, for example. Although, I must admit, i have a very unhealthy attachment to several pairs of sandals.

This non-attachment becomes even more and more difficult when applied to people. For example, I am, yet again, spreading my gypsy wings and moving. The past year in Heidelberg has been amazing, and the people that have become part of my life, even more so. So, it's quite impossible for me to apply this sort of non-attachment to them because the very opposite is actually the truth.

While I continued to struggle with this thought - understanding that non-attachment leads to freedom, in mind and body (I actually really enjoy non-attachment to mobile phone contracts, and contracts of all sorts) and also knowing that I simply cannot be unattached to the people and animals in my life without feeling like I am in some way not showing or honoring my love for them.

Then, it donned on me: this non-attachment is not supposed to be a lack of emotion or lack of care for that person/animal. Rather, it is supposed to be a lack of care for the end, the outcome of the relationship. That is, non-attachment to the consequences of the relationship, but a commitment to the present, the journey that relationship takes. Change is imminent - everywhere, all the time. Climate change, growing up, breaking up, changing jobs, moving houses. Change is the only constant in life.

oh, the places my sandals have been: Brindivan Gardens, Mysore, India

And so, this sadness for the imminent passing of my dog is rather happiness for the moments of her life; for the 15 years of chasing her down the street as she ran after a motorcycle; 15 years of listening to that howl and staring at those understanding eyes. The sadness for leaving the beautiful people i met in Heidelberg (as well as all the other amazing people who have honored me with their friendship) becomes the happiness that I have experienced every day that I have known them and the love that they brought out in me; as well as a commitment to do everything I can to continue to know them, to stay in touch, to show them my love (even from far away), while not knowing how long we will in fact remain in touch or even be friends; not knowing if they will always be a part of my life and being ok with that. Even the sadness at losing my favorite pair of sandals (yes, admittedly very trivial) turns into the journey I have had with my shoes: oh the adventures we had together, the roads we traveled and the beautiful and dirty places we saw.

Non-attachment is not a death sentence for your emotions. It is not detachment, but rather the opposite. It's a reminder to stay in the present, not only that, but to appreciate it, without worrying or stressing about the future, the consequences, especially those out of your control.

Yes, dogs and people will leave our lives, so will shoes, but if we face these changes with an open heart, an open mind and with the understanding that change is not a bad thing, we will be unattached, free. Not necessarily like granola-eating, non-bathing hippies, with glazed over eyes who seem to have no care in the world, though those are great, but like people that truly experience and appreciate every single day because the only thing certain about the future is change. Today will not be today when it becomes tomorrow, so there is no sense in holding on, rather being open to the journey and whatever it may bring.

Just Yoga Already!

When I am around new people and the conversation turns to yoga, there is usually someone who says, "oh, I'd really like to try it, but i'm just not flexible."

see, soo much fun

PEOPLE! If you were a gymnast, I probably wouldn't tell you to try yoga, because then I would be the idiot slipping in a pool of my own sweat while you performed perfect handstand to chaturanga combinations while breathing like darth vader and chanting the sutras.

But yoga doesn't care!

It's not about the clothes (sorry lulu) or the body, or the freakin' mat! its about YOU! as much as yoga has evolved and changed, some even say it's been manipulated, fucked up, etc; it has always been about you. its YOUR yoga! see how even the first two letters of the words match up nicely.

The advice I'm about to give you is actually what yoga is all about.....

STOP THINKING!

yes, that's yoga!

It's not about touching your toes, or holding yourself up on one hand. Sure, those are great and they help us get to the goal.

It's about controlling the mind, about quieting all that mumbo jumbo inside your cabeza and just being. Thats what yoga helps you do. All the sweating and contorting is just a path to the stillness.

You don't have to be flexible, or have an om tattoo, or know the names of the poses.

So, get a towel, rug, sheet, go to the internets, google a yoga video (start with a 10-15 minute one) and just try to follow it. the end.

You don't have to like it. At least if you don't, the next time I post about some yoga retreat I'm going to with some creepy-looking guy whose name you can't pronounce, you can tell me, "not for me, i can't afford it."

happy breath day

exhale

i turned 29 yesterday. a part of me is very "time and age are arbitrary. whatever, its just another day. everyday should be celebrated and we shouldn't attach so much importance to just this one arbitrary date and splurge on earrings or indulge in copious amounts of prosecco, or whatever it is we don't allow ourselves to do on other days." while another part is all "yes!!!!! i made it to 29! with baby steps and giant leaps, with closed eyes and open heart. scared out of my mind, excited, confused, smiling. and im riding a bike now! and im attempting handstands. and im curious about 401Ks and IRAs, but not enough to find out what they are. and im feeling a pull behind my right knee in pachimottanasana (forward fold) and im finally confident teaching ujjai breath, especially when I relate it to darth vader. and im not so worried about fitting in. and im still wandering, full of ideas and goals and plans." then someone left a really insightful message on my facebook page: happy first breath day!

yes! thats exactly what i will celebrate. my breath! that day when i inhaled for the first time. when my lungs took in that first sip of oxygen and told the universe: "im here! make some room, im going to do big things!" ok, maybe it didnt go quite that way. there was probably way more pooping and sleeping involved. but i have been breathing (and pooping) ever since. mostly without giving much thought to the most natural life sustaining action everyone, regardless of race, creed, beliefs, languages, clothes, magic phones or internet access does. the breath, one of the most essential bodily functions, unites us. 

 

in yoga, breath is super important. if u do nothing else in a yoga practice, breathe! it doesnt even have to be in a yoga room with eco-friendly mats and lotus candles and jai uttal chanting on the ipod. it helps not to have ringing phones or open g-chats or screaming children while you do this, though.

close your eyes, concentrate on your breath, listen and feel. be aware of your chest rising and falling, the rhythm, the pace. and then make it longer, deeper. take in more air, hold it, let it go. enjoy. smile. and breathe. notice how your mind, completely concentrated on your breathing, is suddenly clear (ok, maybe it will take some time..you didnt get into bakasana in a day). and your body is still, just letting the breath move in and out. so your body and your mind are united in breath. there's that unity thing again! thats yoga! 

k, im going to breathe with all my 29 years + one day, now, and have some prosecco later.

mysore: and yes, I am

 

 



yoga love

sooooo, i have been in mysore, in ths south of india, for 2 weeks now...im practicing at atma vikasa (evolution of the Self), my teacher Venkatesha, is quiet, serious and is helping me to "focus on [my] breathings" and relax my mind....the asanas are the same as I do at home, except my movements are very precise and held for long periods.....the class is progressive, with new poses added each day....its quite a difference from the way i usually practice: trying to reach one limb over the other and desperately holding it for 2 seconds  haha  here, im just learning how to stand correctly (apparently, my left hip always come forward)....its great to focus so much on details...in the afternoons are my backbending sessions, which i love and hate....love because its so damn cool to be working towards a back bend, like those 12-year old Chinese gymnasts....not the kind of back bends i do where im by the wall, but the kind where i slowwwwwly push my hips forward, lean back, let my arms dangle and depsperately repeat, in my head, the only mantra that seems appropriate: "breathe, breathe, breahte." hate because at some point during the session (usually during the aforementioned bends) i want to throw up and pass out  haha  no one said this was going to be easy ;)  im doing well, though, and have yet to pass out



  

devraja market, mysore

 im living at a youth hostel, which is super cheap and clean and hot water comes from a bucket, laundry is done by my hands...while i have become quite adapt at bucket showers, i dont think my clothes are very clean hehe...the hostel usually houses groups of indian students...last week, there was a group of art students in mysore for a workshop, they were nice and showed me some of their awesome metal and clay work....right now, i share my dorm with two "aunties." one is an engineering professor, hangs her wet laundry on everyon else's bed and found out my entire life story within our first 5 minutes of meeting each other (she asks a ton of questions: "where are you going?" "what did you have for dinner?" "how much did you pay for college?"); the other woman is here for an administrative exam to get a promotion, she is 3 months preggo, gives me fresh papaya, takes me to temple with her, and, in her broken english, asks me about the differences between india and the U.S.....although both women speak english, i have found it much easier when i reduce my sentences to "i go yoga"....we laugh a lot



maruthi temple



with judith, fr germany, at mysore palace



ive hung out with some travelers who stay at the hostel and my friend, jo from the UK, was here for the day, so we had dinner....ive also met a few african students who are studying at the university here (there are quite a few)


around the corner from my hostel is everything i could ever need: a veg restaurant, where i have fallen in love with dosas (which definitely give french crepes a run for their euros), a little supermarket, an internet place, a jewelry/phone recharge shop, and the most amazingly colorful and gaudy temple I have ever seen



dosa, my love



my days are filled with yoga, lots of reading, wandering around and sampling indian sweets, because i just cant resist a bakery and there is one on every corner!  another temptation is the chip man, who threatens to undo my whole yoga career....yes, a man who makes fresh potato chips right in his bowl of boiling oil...someone, please tell me this oil is the new, healthy, fat-free kind, which will clear up skin and cure cancer! (anyone????)  there arent just potato chips, there are other colorful, crispy, oily confections and, so far, they are winning

i have also be volunteering at a school for kids with special needs, they are so sweet, and its so amazing and i think im getting way more from them than they are from me

biggest cow ever!



marshall, zimbabwe, at chamudi hill



on the weekends, i do little day trips, went to Siringapatnam with Alex from the UK, to see a temple and a palace and to chamundi hill with Marshall from Zimbabawe to check out an awesome view of Mysore and a really huge statue of a cow.



a real one!!!



for those who think a
smart phone is in my future,
i present my indian phone, Raju



for a brief period (like a day and a half), I had the bright idea that perhaps I should try to dress more like the locals...well, my fantasy of sashaying around in a bright purple saree was quickly chased away by the horrific image of me getting tangled in said saree and rolling down a hill as the fabric unfurled behind me, forever being known as the foreigner who fought a saree and lost......i bought a few tunics (kurtas), instead





am i indian yet?



in other news, mosquitoes are still eating me alive, i have started drinking the water (no! not the tap water, the purified water that comes from a machine at my hostel...saving me some pennies), and fruit (i ate a whole papaya today!)and ive started trying varoius indian herb masks.....so, i am either morphing into an indian or, will have lots of various diseases and conditions soon.... 





incredible india



first glimpse of delhi, khan market







so, in delhi, where i arrived august 25, i was lucky enough to stay with the family of a friend of my mom's.....so, needless to say, i got the star treatment, servants and all.......when i actually got out into the city, let's just say i didnt feel any of that amazing yogi love i thought would miraculously take over me  haha  let me see if i can describe delhi for you: chaos, construction, dirt, traffic, lots of honking, no street signs, or streets! me walking around in a circle for 3 hours getting hounded by touts trying to sell me tours or sarees or bring me to their brother's restaurant....yes, it was all very overwhelming, just like everyone said it would be... i went on one tour that missed the important sights because there was too much traffic (!)...after that, i took a deep breath, and got the hell out of there!! 







jaipur

my next stop was jaipur, still chaotic, but more manageable, with a beautiful and dirty and dilapidated pink city, and a monkey temple! with monkeys just hanging out all around and little children trying to weasel some money out of you (me) by telling you that the monkeys will bite you without their protection....the kids didnt get my money, but thanks to them, i was freaked out on the walk to the temple, just imagining being attacked by a crazed chimpanzee..bastards!!  my room in jaipur left something to be desired, like a good scrubbing down, and some toilet paper (ha! this is but a memory, unless you supply your own), a shower curtain,  and a fan that didnt try to explode in the middle of the night!!  but, i survived ;)




overlooking pushkar

 




mama mia!!!!



next on my itinerary was pushkar, a very small town of winding roads built around a sacred lake...it was really nice here, super touristy, but way more relaxed and calm than the bigger cities....there were only a few streets, but of course i still got lost all the time....i couldnt differentiate between all the shops selling harem pants, camel safaris and jewelry (needless to say, i didnt get a safari, but i am the proud owner of an anklet and a lovely pair of purple pants with elephants and a crotch that hangs down to my ankles woo!!!)...i met some italians here, and we spent our time speaking in an obnoxious italian accent to everyone we met.....mama mia! mozarella!  ravioli!!!!  sitting around the lake i saw a beautiful sunset and even though i did not bathe in the rather brown water, as is the custom, i felt blessed and all kinds of holy





jaisalmer fort







blue jodhpur



harem bed, jodhpur



my next stop was jaisalmer.... after a 12 hour night bus and some bad rice (who gets sick from rice?!?), i found myself resting in my room, staring at the whirling ceiling fan (which would give me a cold the next day) and feeling pretty proud that i had finally gotten sick....it had been the topic of just about every conversation with everyone i met, so i knew it was coming....and i was ready!  i had my immodium, and my chewable pepto bismol (thanks saouss)...fortunately, i was only sick for a day, but it gave me something much greater: the confidence to eat without any regard for the cleanliness of the kitchen or the hands which made the foot, or a thought to the vast amounts of flies circling about...for the next two days, i stuck to toast ;)...jaisalmer was also pretty calm, its main attraction: a fort and the old city of little streets filled with tourist shops inside..my first train ride was rather uneventful, except for the dust and bugs, and the fact that i couldnt figure out how to turn the lights off, it was pretty normal....the morning the train arrived in jodhpur, i met the two girls sleeping in the bunks under mine...they were from CA!!!! from UCSD and UC Santa Cruz, studying in delhi  awesome!!!  we got a room together with the biggest harem bed ever! and spent the day exploring the enchanting blue city with its incredible views, getting rained on and eating omelets..they were also cool enough to take a few things off my hands, lightening my load!




happy bday krishna!

 



the next day's 8 hour bus journey was not the best, i had a fever, and the constant sing-songy sound of the bus' horn did not seem quite so amusing anymore......udaipur, however, was worth it..........also built around a sacred lake,with little islands made into palaces....the james bond film "octopussy" was filmed here and every restaurant shows it every night....check it out, its rather ridiculous and totally funny.....this is where i really chilled out, trying to nurse my hacking cough....i met lots of travelers...sooo many israelis (all the shop keepers kept thinking i was israeli, and spanish, and french - who am i to argue??), irene and marta from espana (hola!), who i met in my yoga class ;) and who are traveling for 8 months (sweet!!!) and jo from london, who i met in pushkar.....our days were spent hanging out, drinking chai, watching the rain and trying to figure out our next destination.....we got to be part of a celebration in a textile shop: krishna, the shop owner's son turned 25 and we were treated to the most amazing indian hospitality with bday cake, booze and reggae, all inside of a shop covered in the most colorful array of carpets and pillowcases and table cloths!!!  love love...sadly, i bid farewell to my new friends and set out on 2 flights and an overnight train to mysore...........



ganesha for luck

 













and then



with the warriors



ok, so, the rest of China was full of all kinds of fabulous..........xi'an was really great with a cool muslim quarter, which was basically a big soukh and the coolest mosque ever: courtyards and old chinese architecture......the terra cotta warriors were pretty amazing, massive and intricate and just mind-boggling...no two warrior faces are alike!...needless to say, it was all quite touristy, with shops upon shops everywhere, but, hey what do you expect?....oh, and the best part, the bus to the warriors (1 hour) was a whopping 7 yuan!!!!  thats $1  awesome!!!!!



forbidden city








and then..........beijing was awesome!  saw all kinds of palaces and parks with pagoda roofs  love them! missed embalmed mao zedong, but i think he will be there for a while ;)  oh yeah, there was also that little thing they call the GREAT WALL!!!  that was so grand and amazing and impressive...wow, wow, wow....if its not already one of the 7 or 8 natural or old or modern wonders of the world, it needs to be....  i got to stay with ailin (holla!), who is rocking beijing in every way possible  (love u and so proud!)  she showed me the night life: vodka and grape juice and karaoke and $1 fried rice delivery the next morning ;)....i got "Eat Pray Love" at a little book stand....a good read, inspiring, cant wait to see the movie...on my last night ailin took me for some.......NACHOS!!!!!!  haha you knew i would get my fix ...all in all China was a great surprise, i learned so much about the economy and the politics and the people!!!  and it got me ready for even more traffic and more staring in india 







love u!